I wouldn’t recommend it: mourning alone.

A lot of family members have died in the past few years – I hate to speak about it.  It absolutely insanely horrifically senselessly terrifies and horrifies me to talk about it.  I have been extremely private about my family my whole life – not to say that my family life has been horrific – my family has been a lot of fun – but I have always always top-notch secretive about it.  Because of numerous reasons and varying historical events, I have always been extremely fiercely protective of my family, even sometimes at the expense of my own common sense and well-being.  We, in the family, all operate with a similar modus operandi – family first, secrets last.

Alas, should there be any confusion about it – the CIA has approached me about how I keep my secrets – I think we all know how that meeting went.

Nonetheless, my family life has gotten ahold of me, and tragedies line the pages.  I won’t try to explain what happened here – modus operandi exist for plenty of good reasons and fortunes.

However, being alone and such in the world – mourning is a horrific task to take on one’s own.  The memories alone will crush you, and especially with no family members to reference or confer with, the terror of the night is steady onto its own.  I have no coping skills to recommend – each moment offers its own tenor of horror.  Each night I look out the window and hope to God that he grants me the fortitude to live because nothing is like mourning alone – the willingness to go there is a willingness to re-align with your family members.  The terror is that I am almost willing to give up anything or do anything to see my passed ones – even for a minute, an hour, a hairline’s breadth of time – to see a reflection of yourself – oh, how the body heaves.

I know that I am treading upon very dangerous grounds, and that a psychologist would recommend plenty of hours on the couch, if not more intense treatment.  But I want my bout of the human experience.  Life is tough, and we have to live it.  In my own way, my toughness is my way of honoring them.  They didn’t have it easy; neither will I.

The dark of the night offers its own refuge.  I fear not.

Dedication: I miss you like the sun misses the moon.  Farewells will not separate.  My fare will seal us. Desires will come plenty, but they are nothing compared to you.

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